Self-Care as a River: A Gentle Reframe for Parents
Written by Kristi Yeh, LMFT
As parents, the message to “prioritize self-care” can start to feel like another item on the to-do list. Take a bath. Meditate. Go for a walk. Journal. Stretch. Drink water. It’s well-intentioned advice, but when life already feels like a juggling act of camp schedules and work emails, even self-care can start to feel like a chore.
What if we could think about self-care differently?
Inspired by writer Oliver Burkeman’s advice to approach your to-be-read pile as a river—something that flows endlessly past you, offering possibilities instead of pressure—we can reframe self-care the same way. Instead of a bucket of self-care tasks to complete, imagine a river of self-care practices gently flowing alongside your life. You don’t have to scoop it all up or get through every option. You simply reach in and take what you want, when you want it.
“There’s no point beating yourself up for failing to clear a backlog (of unread books, undone tasks, unrealized dreams) that it was always inherently unfeasible to clear in the first place. I like to think of it as the productivity technique to beat all productivity techniques: finally internalizing the implications of the fact that what’s genuinely impossible – the clue is in the name! – cannot actually be done.”
Maybe today, what you need is five quiet minutes in the car before walking into the house. Tomorrow, it might be texting a friend, or saying no to something you just can’t do right now. Other days, it might be a nap or blasting your favorite playlist while making dinner. The self-care river is always there—offering care, not demanding completion.
When I started Parent Self-Care during the COVID lockdown, my mission was to share self-care practices I had learned over the past decade as a marriage and family therapist with other parents that might also be overwhelmed. I shared about my struggles managing self-care and parenthood, which led to writing my book, Self-Care 101: Self-Care Inspiration for Busy Parents. However, when getting feedback about my book from peers, some of the parents felt guilty after reading the book because they couldn’t fathom incorporating all of the self-care ideas into their real life. They shared that the book made them feel guilty that they might not be a good enough parent if they didn’t take care of themselves “well enough.”
This feedback from fellow parents shaped the introduction to my book, making it clear that Self-Care 101 is a heartfelt exploration of self-care that isn’t intended to be graded homework. My hope is that my book, blog and Instagram are there to provide inspiration and encouragement to parents–when they are in the mood for it!
This mindset shift is powerful for parents, because it gives us permission to care for ourselves in small, meaningful, flexible ways. It reminds us that self-care isn’t another thing to master, but an ongoing relationship with ourselves. Some seasons will be more active, others slower. The river still flows.
So instead of building a perfect self-care routine, try watching the water. See what calls to you today. Let that be enough.
Because when we treat self-care as something fluid, replenishing, and always accessible—not a checklist but a source—we make room for gentleness in the middle of our messy everyday parenting lives.
Kristi Yeh is a parent of two, and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who has been practicing in California for over ten years. She has worked in school-based mental health at a public elementary and middle school. A part of Kristi’s role entailed discussing self-care with parents. Research shows that the better the adults take care of themselves, the healthier our children are at home and school. Yeh is also the author of Self-Care 101: Self-Care Inspiration for Busy Parents.
